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Monday, August 25, 2014

My Evolution: How Six Weeks Turned Into A Lifetime, Ep. 3

"This is how it has always been. Give me something good, I'll destroy it. Love me, I'll destroy you. I have never felt deserving of anything in my life."
      - James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

That's for damn sure. You go through a few stages of emotion when coming to the realization that this entire time, it's been you getting in your own way. The self-sabotage comes far too easy for me, as I'm sure it does for all of you. And even though I realize that I'm standing in my own way, the self-sabotage continues. And what a week it's been. 

Whenever I have those days (or in this case, those weeks) where I lose control of everything, I force myself to step back and recoup. It's hard to build myself back up without beating myself into the ground first. And I'll go ahead and admit that building myself back up involves a lot of internal cursing. But I do what I have to to convince myself that I haven't lost everything. I may yo-yo by 2-3 (or 7) pounds, but I'm not back at the starting gate anymore. Get up and move. When is enough enough? Enough is never enough. At least until it is. (smile)

I feel like I'm losing my mind when I push myself - you've gotta be crazy to push yourself this hard. The pain I'm in on a daily basis makes me wonder how I even finish 25 minutes of cardio, much less the weight regimen/boost workouts (that's the extra 5-10 minutes you spend doing exercise after you've done all you 'need' to do for the day). I was asked twice this week how I keep getting back up after falling so many times. The truth is, I don't know. It could be that I'm finally over being 'that girl'; it could be that I refuse to believe that I can't ever be healthy. Maybe I just want to be able to look in the mirror (however long down the road) and believe that I'm worthy. Not of others, that need for validation is disappearing at an alarming rate. I mean believing that I am worthy of self-love, confidence and, most importantly, that I am perfectly capable of setting goals and hitting them - no, destroying them. 

Evolution has become like canon to me; I open the damn thing whenever I need a verbal kick to the ass. And I won't lie, I need one often. The excuses come too easily; it's far too simple for me to succumb to the pain and exhaustion, to accept complete failure as the final destination. For as long as I can remember, failure meant the end. This book, in part, has helped me accept that failure doesn't mean that it's time to quit, only that it's time to work differently and work harder. In Chapter One, Failure Is The Foundation to Success, he talks about benefitting from failure; using the anger and shame that comes with it as fuel to get back - and stay - on the road to success. 

"...people need to be pushed - both externally and internally. That internal fire can never burn without some fuel, and that fuel can come in the form of disappointment, embarrassment, and even jealousy. The poison, no doubt, is in the dose, as these traits are incredibly corrosive if held on to for extended periods of time, but if you can learn to convert them into positive actions, they can help you tremendously." 
     -Joe Manganiello, Evolution

I'm wondering, even as I type, how long I can keep this up. I'm on this 'fake it til you make it' kick that I think is working for me, but I'm still holding on to the fear that, at any moment, my new attitude and outlook can fall apart. It scares me, so much sometimes that I hold on to this book like it's a teddy bear. Then I pull out my phone or laptop and look for other people that are on the same path, others who are sharing their story (and probably much more coherently than I am). And whether they are right along side of me or far far ahead, it helps me to know that I'm not the only one starting from so far back with a battle that feels like it's a million miles long. 

I sometimes wish I could sit with Joe and ask him questions about his journey. Frankly, if anyone reading this has gone through or is going through a similar journey - their own Evolution - I'd love to hear about what you went through. How was your fight? What kept you motivated? How often did you slip, and what did you do to get back on track? Come on, ya'll - talk to me. :)

I had a rough week, but it was a week filled with lessons learned. And a few tears, headaches and raging indigestion somehow got me rallying again. It may be taking time, but my perspective is changing. The long hard road out of hell may hurt but, in the end, it'll be worth it. How? I don't know. You just do. If you want it, you go and get it. If you haven't purchased Evolution yet, get it. It'll change the way you see things, guaranteed. I'll start you off by letting you in on Joe's secret to success, one that he'll tell you from the jump:

Secret 1: There are no secrets. 


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